So I’m warning you now, this is going to be mushy and awesome!

Last Sunday night (August 16, 2009) Michael proposed to me, in the most romantic way I could have ever dreamed of, better than anything I had hoped for really… it went a little something like this:

We drove down to Disney with the whole family Mike and I in the motor home with his mom and dad and his sister (Heather) and brother in law (Jody) following in the mini van with the boys (Joshua and Jacob) and Jody’s son (Kyle). So we got to the Disney camp grounds on Sunday in the afternoon and got settled in and went for dinner. We were headed to the Magic Kingdom after dinner just to see Spectromagic (the light parade) and Wishes Fireworks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdilScQRoYQ). We got to the Magic Kingdom and Mike wanted to watch the parade from a spot close to the castle and his mom wanted to stay near the front of the park so we split up and were going to meet up before the fireworks. We watched the parade and it was fun and then we met up with the whole family. We found a spot to watch the fireworks right up in front of the castle, and it was a really good spot. He was fidgeting around with something behind him and when the fireworks started he handed me a pillow of carnations with a glass slipper on top and a beautiful rhinestone tiara, which really confused me for some reason. He said he wanted this to be special and I said “thank you” which doesn’t seem like enough now that I think about it but I didn’t really have any idea what was going on, that is until I went to hand the flowers to Mike’s mom to get the tiara off and saw Mike’s sister holding one of his nephews who was holding a teddy bear, wearing a tuxedo and holding a sign that said “Marry me?” And sure enough I still didn’t really know what was going on when he took my hands and said “the past two years have been the best of my life…” and I was just too much in aww to tell you exactly what he said but it involved love and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together and THEN when he got down on one knee it started to sink he that he was actually proposing to me! He asked if I’d marry him and all I could do was nod, which he later picked on me about because he said my smile was so big. Then he gave me the most beautiful ring I’ve EVER seen and put it on my finger and then we hugged and kissed and it was AWESOME! Then he expected me to keep watching the fireworks while I was crying and shaking and hyperventilating but I don’t think he did either. There were lots of hugs all around and excitement, and I couldn’t ask for a more romantic proposal. I mean in the magic kingdom, in front of Cinderella’s Castle, during the wishes fireworks (my favorite show at Disney)!!!! I love him soooooo much and now I know I get to keep him forever and for always!    

Today at 5:30 it will be the three year mark… three years since I sat with my head on her chest listening to her gasp for her last breath with my family and friends around me. Megan and Jen had brought Riley (their new puppy) and shuck him into the hospital to meet mom, Becky was there too even though I knew it was hard for her too, since she had lost her dad a couple years before. My Aunt T and Heather (and the girls even though they weren’t born yet) my uncle Lou who was there every moment he could be anyway. My Uncle Frank had flown back from Florida a day or two before when the Doctors said the fight was lost and he was there too. My Grandma was there as well, silently directing things since no one else really knew what they were doing. Between her and my uncle Lou they had forced me to go home and shower each morning, and dragged me to the cafeteria to eat a couple times a day even though all I wanted to do was sit there with my mom. I was so scared that she would be alone when it happened and I didn’t want that. That Friday, 3 years ago, I helped the Nurse all day because the nurse’s assistant that day was a boy and mom had made me promise whatever happened not to let any boys besides dad see her.

            It’s really weird to think about now how everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. The nurse went in to give her meds, and made everyone else leave. I went to the hall and was playing around and laughing with Megan and the puppy. We went back in and it had seemed like the time between her breaths was too long… I rested my head on her chest and dad took her hand as she took two more gasps for air and that was it, no more attempts. We called the doctor in and by the time he got there it was almost 6, we gathered things up and decided who was driving my car home, I guess I wasn’t allowed. Megan and Jen met us back at the house with a bottle of blue liquor and lots of beer the rest of the family came too… the remainder of the night is a blur after that.

            Its really strange what comes next, the next day is a whirl of planning and deciding and running back and forth to the funeral home, and Wal-Mart to make copies of pictures, and its so busy all day that the night is even worse after everyone went home and it was just me, dad, and grandma. Sunday was terrible because we didn’t have the whirl of planning, just sitting around with people stopping by to bring us food, its funny how much food people bring you when the last thing in the world you want to do is think about eating. I did not want Monday to come, I did not want to be at the calling hours or the funeral, and I did not want to see the shell of my mother. I did not want people hugging me and telling me they know how I feel, or it will all be ok… it just made me want to scream yeah it’ll be ok for you, you still have a mother, you’ve had here there for you all along, and I am alone here. I didn’t say any of that of course, just smiled and said thank you for coming or cried when someone who really cared hugged me. It’s such a strange thing.

            I think today what is bothering me the most is, it’s been 3 years, and I can’t believe it. Three years and you’d think it would hurt less, but not so much. I have an amazing and wonderful, and supportive man by my side this year though, and he’s coming later to stay with me. I still can’t help but think though she just missed meeting him. She would have loved him, I know she would have given him hell, and she would have LOVED him to death. He tells me he knows she’s here, and proud of me, and I know she is too. I don’t even know if he realizes though how good it feels to have him there to tell me that or how much it really means to me. I know she’s proud, and that she loves me, and I know she would love Mike too, and I’m sure by now she’d be pushing for grand babies, because she was crazy like that. I just wish she’d be here for it if it does happen, be there to do all the things a mom does.

Hey, I think that helped.

Its really weird how something seemingly unrelated brings me back to 3 years ago in an instant. It feels weird, like a really long time ago and only yesterday all at once... the 21st was a tuesday that year I think, I know the 31st was a friday... I know the whole week leading up to that friday was hell, the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life and that Friday was so painful and so relieving all at once, it was terrible. I really need to focus on school work and this is all that keeps going through my mind, I just miss her. I'm really hoping getting it out here helps.

In better news one of my mom's very good dear friend (and me and my dad's now) well she had a struggle of her own. Her son was diagnosed with cancer and thank god just received a CANCER FREE status! It just proves there is hope and goodness in this world, and she deserves nothing but the best things to come her way! I can't even tell you how good it made me feel to hear he was going to be ok!